Grab a cup of coffee and have your pen to jot a few notes. Believing you are not good enough, what part of your life can you equate that too? If you have never felt this, I would be a bit shocked.
I struggled with this fear and feeling for many years. I never felt I was good enough; I didn’t fit in. From the young age of having a massive head of curly hair in the generation of no product, yes, NO product, women will understand this. The extreme of having it all cut off and being called a little boy for a majority of the time. In all areas I did not fit the mold of a little girl, I rode motorcycles, I was a tomboy, and I was not the pretty tiny petite “ideal” of what a girl was to be.
We have those things that happen in our life that will forever make a mark, good or bad and they can be a determining factor in believing you are good enough. I have a vivid memory of each day before the school bus arriving, praying, asking God to let the girls be nice to me that day at school, to be my friend, to not make fun. It is those little things that stick with us as we grow into adults. As an adult wondering; did my kids feel those same feelings as I did? Did I miss asking them enough? Exactly how many kids today feel that way. To many! How many adults?
Being sexually abused between 5-7 by a teenage boy known by my family, I struggled with many health issues, stomach ulcers, bulimia, eating disorders, and again the feeling of never fitting it, but I never knew quite why. Losing my Father in an auto accident at 16 just compounded those feelings and just pushing through was part of dealing. As a teenager, I did whatever I needed to do to try and fit in. It’s tough as a teenager, and I don’t make excuses for it because there are none, but you learn to fit in any way that you can so if that means lying, drinking, whatever it means to put yourself in the position where people are going to be more accepting of you, you do it. I did.
With all this don’t get me wrong I did NOT have a terrible childhood, I had two very loving parents and was extremely blessed, they did the best they could for what they knew. We do better when we know better; they taught me invaluable lessons, my Mom still does to this day and I’m fortunate to be able to talk openly now about all that transpired in my life and she listens with a kind supporting heart.
Fast forward, I graduated and married. I was rebellious after my father was killed and I was getting through each day feeling not good enough. I believe getting married and starting a family immediately was going to fix that. It did for a period, I had my own family, my children, they were the loves of my life, and I felt like I fit. I was good enough for these little people that depended on me.
Although my life was moving along in a direction I thought was right, over the years my marriage deteriorated and I found myself divorced with two children. Again the question of now what? My answer, obviously I was not good enough. Little did I know I was good enough, I just had not learned to listen yet, to quiet myself and get out of my head.
I didn’t listen to my gut instinct, which in a later blog you will hear more about, I went into a second marriage where there were plenty of red flags. I was trying to be super Mom that we all have a tendency to believe we are. We try to work, we try to be the best mom we can, try to be the best at whatever we do and we give 150% and sometimes that’s not enough to stop that nagging feeling and voice, I’m not enough. I was not the best mother, colleague, friend, daughter, sister, etc. because I was still hesitant to look in the mirror and like who I saw. If you do look, you see that you haven’t lost the baby weight or just the extra pounds in general. You are running around like a chicken with your head cut off and you haven’t figured it out yet that life is happening, you’re missing it, I was missing it. We are missing every single chance because we fear not being good enough.
Like all of us, life progressed. I was in an extremely violent domestic relationship; I would never have seen that coming. The doubt and voices in my head believed I was not good enough. Anyone who knew me on the outside would have never guessed. The feeling of not being enough spilled over in every aspect of my life so it was easy to believe the words of someone who just confirmed them, especially someone who was to be your safe place, “he must be right.” It took years to finally realize, the only person that can change this vicious cycle was me……
I needed to realize that I was running in circles, I didn’t like the person that I was becoming, my life was falling apart, I was living a secret life that I put a smile, (wearing a mask basically) and everybody thought everything was fantastic. I knew in my heart it wasn’t which equated to, I was not good enough. I was good enough though and I was strong enough to realize I needed it to stop. I needed to be a role model for my children. As a parent, I attempted to make my children know they were always enough, just the way they were. Why didn’t I believe it for myself then? These are the times we are much better at serving others than ourselves. Why? If we are serving others, we do not always have to face the person in the mirror.
What I share on these blogs may or may not resonate with you, maybe someone you know and can reach out to. Many of you may believe you would never stay in a domestic violent relationship as long as I did….. I said those same words. Life happens at times and one morning you wake up, and you realize you ARE good enough, and now it is time to start digging out of that hole, and that is what I would like to encourage you to do. Help you get out of your head, realize you are not stuck, and you can do this. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! Just start, it may not be huge steps, but one step forward is better than staying in the pain.
Self-Care, a word that I use each and every day. I thought I knew what self-care was, well it was like that V-8 commercial with the can hitting me in the head when diagnosed with Lupus and then cancer. The first time it hit me; I needed to take care of me, no one could do it for me, nor in all honesty, did I want them to. That is part of the work.
The words self-care covers such a large area. I have read, watched, listened to so many self-development series telling me what I needed to do to get my mind straight, to get healthier, to be motivated, to lose weight, and they worked for a bit. But here is the thing, you may be great in one area that you have developed but the rest of your life is falling apart. I was good at doing that. I pulled a nugget from each book, podcast, motivational video, speakers, and I used it. What I didn’t do until a few years later in my journey was look for balance. I found it balance however, I also realize we need to be open to learning every single day and when I read the first book that Dave Braun and Troy Amdahl wrote, Oola, Finding Balance In An Unbalanced World it was not like a light bulb moment it was a giant spotlight with a chorus singing in the background. The 7Fs where have you been all my life?!?… I am a visual type learning person, so this was laying a complete roadmap out in front of me, and I was shouting, “Thank You Sweet Betsy” where have you been. That was three books ago, and each read numerous times over. I love that it lays out the areas I need to find balance and order to live a life where I can keep moving forward, no matter what the obstacles, because at times meteor showers, not just raindrops pour down on us. It’s that little thing called life.
So what are the 7 Fs? Faith, Fitness, Family, Finance, Field, Friends, and Fun. Everyone can put them in the order that they feel is right for them, there is no right or wrong, it is just working on each area and being realistic at times one or two may be out of balance to build up the other areas. As part of my journey, I know they are my foundation, part of my core values and the tools to help me keep reminding myself; I Am Good Enough. So are YOU!
Be Grateful. Have Faith. Be Kind. Believe. Travel Your Oola Journey.